99 Per Cent of Everything is Crap
by Vonna Plum
Summary: Roxas is a pessimist, Axel is twisted. Demyx is a walking, talking fire hydent, Zexion is Zexion. Hayner needs a swear jar, Seifer is bipolar. Two words; Good. Grief. Akuroku, Zemyx, Seiner, Soriku. Highschool AU Rated M for Swearing


_99% of Everything is Crap_  
**Chapter Title: Welcome Back To Hell, Suckers.  
Rating: M For Heavy Swearing  
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama  
Main Pairings: Akuroku, Zemyx, Seiner  
Side Pairings: Soriku  
Summary: Roxas is a pessimist, Axel is twisted. Demyx is a walking, talking fire hydent, Zexion is Zexion. Hayner needs a swear jar, Seifer is bipolar. Two words; Good. Grief. Akuroku, Zemyx, Seiner, Soriku. Highschool AU**

**Overall Disclaimer: I'm not witty enough to make this disclaimer funny, but I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy, total ownage goes to Square Enix+Disney+Shit. I'm not going to repeat this in future chapters.**

**Note: All quotes are from The Optimist's/Pessimist's Handbook, by Niall Edworthy and Petra Cramsie. A whole book load of inspiration.**

**R&R, unless you're too lazy (like me).**

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**"Ninety-nine per cent of everything is crap."  
_- Sturgeon's Law_**

_I don't want to come off as a pessimist_, but let's just say that I'm less excited about starting year 10. And I don't want to rain on my brother's hyperactive parade, but I really just wanted to go back to sleep.

But, alas, life is cruel, and Sora is so excited it's become excruciating for the people around him (namely me).

So here I am, half awake, watching Sora inhale his seventh pancake. It's one of those things that are just so disgusting you can't look away. It put me off my own pancakes, which is sad because I was the one who made them.

I pushed my plate away, wishing I had made something cleaner, like toast. But, then again, knowing Sora, he'd probably find a disgusting way to eat that too. Sighing, I stood up and picked up my bag.

"Hurry up, Sora, I don't want to be late." I would have left without him, but the last time I did, he cried. I sound like a horrible brother, but the truth is, deep down, I'm nice. Okay, that's not the truth, I'm a pretty shitty brother but I have my spontaneous bouts of niceness. And by the way, I don't have anything against Sora. He's the best twin brother a guy could ever ask for.

He's just a little… infuriating.

Sora nodded vigorously and threw his fork down.

The walk to school was uneventful, to put it lightly. We met up with Riku at one point, and Sora began to chatter endlessly into his ear, which was a load off mine. Riku was being his usual teasing self. I never really liked him. He's a nice guy and stuff, but to tell you the truth, he's just so boring. And he studies so much! Where's his sense of fun? And he's so tall! He's only a year older than us! Whatever, Sora's the one who likes him, my opinion doesn't matter at all.

We arrived at school in no time. We only lived five minutes away by foot, which is convenient, I guess.

"Roxas!"

I turned unsuspectingly. Olette rushed forward, hugging me in one huge glomp. She always hugged me tightly, and it always left me feeling quite awkward every time.

"Hey Olette." I smiled my greetings to Hayner and Pence too, who stood behind Olette, smirking. Olette let go and instantly exploded into a homework lecture.

"Have you done all the homework? I know Hayner hasn't. What did you do for independent studies? It's such a pain… Pence made us do this six wonders thing…"

"Hey! It was a good idea at the time." Pence cut in.

"Yeah, it's too bad they all turned out to be fake." Hayner laughed.

"Totally, our whole report is just about how stupid rumours can be." Olette sighed. Sora laughed.

"Roxas, Riku and I did this thing about—"

By then, I'd completely zoned out. I stared across the school grounds, distant screaming drawing my attention to the lawn outside the principal's office. Was that a tower of smoke in the distance? And I swear I saw a flicker of brilliant orange. What the hell? Wasn't it a bit early for pranks? I laughed to myself inwardly when I saw a huge arch of water fly through the air towards the fire. I suddenly wished I were there; it seemed so much more interesting than talking about homework.

"— It's too bad it blew up, huh, Rox?" Sora sighed sadly at me.

"Yeah, if you hadn't blown it up, me and Riku wouldn't have had to clean it up." I teased, I turned my focus back to the group, and pretended that I'd been listening all along. Pence and Hayner laughed, Olette giggled.

Just then, the bell rang. Pence cursed under this breath, before waving goodbye and running off, yelling something about morning duty.

"See you guys at recess!" Sora grinned brightly, dragging me away to class.

By the time we got to the corridor, it was empty. Argh, we had come to school so early, and yet we were still late for class. It had to be an unwritten rule— "the Strife twins must _always_ be late to class". Sora and I ran down the hallway and came to a skidding stop outside our new classroom, 10B. Sora slammed the classroom door open, shouting "I'm sorry we're late!"

The teacher raised an eyebrow, but was clearly unimpressed.

"Come in, take the last two seats in the third row. What are your names?" He asked.

"I'm Sora Strife! Nice to meet you!" Sora smiled. The teacher didn't reply as he marked Sora off a class list.

"And you?"

"Roxas Strife." I answered as I sat down at my allocated desk. It was next to a window, perfect for daydreaming…

"Alright then, I'll start again, my name is Leon, you can call me by my first name, I'll be your homeroom teacher and your maths teacher, unless you're in the Advanced Maths class..." Leon smiled, but it came off as a bit of a grimace. He had shoulder length brown hair and a large scar on his face. He wore an assortment of belts and necklaces that made me raise an eyebrow. He seemed pretty cool though.

"Homeroom is roughly 15 minutes long, depending on the day… at the end of the day, you come back to this room, I mark you off, and then you can leave… that's practically all you need to know… I'll hand out your schedules now; don't worry if you don't have all your books here today."

I looked out of the window, staring out at the tower of smoke. It wasn't as dark or dense as before…

I sighed, shutting my eyes with my head against the window, this was going to be such a long, boring day…

**"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned."  
_- W. S. Maugham_**

_I don't really understand why, but I always seem to be the one putting out the fire. _ Someone out there should really design some kind of portable hose. I guess the water tank would be heavy though. Unless it was like a pull along tank, like airport luggage or something… something like that would really come in handy.

It'd make me look like a total idiot though.

Still, it doesn't hurt to dream, I guess.

"Axel, you should stop playing with that lighter, you're gonna set something on fire…" I glared disapprovingly at Axel. Axel, Zexion and I were currently sitting outside on the benches on the lawn outside the offices. Axel just laughed at me and kept playing with his lighter. Axel, Zexion and I have been best friends ever since Zexion moved into the house across the road from me, and Axel and I had graffitied his dad's black BMW convertible with rainbows and flowers. You couldn't separate us if you had a crowbar after that, much to his dad's delight.

Today Axel was finding little leaves and burning them, sometimes setting fire to a blade of grass, then pressing it out with a fire-proof gloved finger. Axel was so weird sometimes. But I guess that's why we love him.

Zexion was sitting next to me, with his nose in a book. I tried reading over his shoulder once, but he just pushed me away and said, "Don't bother trying to read something like this. You'll sprain a frontal lobe." (1)

Of course, he was just teasing me, and I didn't mind. And even if he had meant it in an insulting way, I still wouldn't have minded. Pretty pathetic of me.

Sighing rather contently to myself, I looked down at the notepad in my lap. I always had to have a notebook with me, because ideas for songs and stuff usually just hit me in the face spontaneously.

"Freaking awesome, Axel!" I heard a distant yell. I looked up, and I swear my eye twitched at what I saw.

"Ax, what the fuck are you doing?!" I growled, jumping up. Not even five metres away from the bench, Axel had set fire to a tree. Seriously, it's only been a couple weeks since the last thing he'd burnt down.

A huge circle of people gathered; some laughing, some shouting.

"WOAH! He set the tree on fire! SWEET!"

"Oh. My. God. Like, somebody call 991!"

"It's 911, you airhead!"

"It was an accident! Fire can be so uncontrollable!" Axel shouted back at me, though his eyes were dancing. He always used the same excuse.

"YOU'RE so uncontrollable!!" I yelled at Axel, throwing my arms dramatically in the air. Everyone knew he was perfectly capable of controlling fire. He's a little pyro-kinetic, he can't produce a flame, but his palms always really warm, if not burning hot, which was enough proof for me (but not enough for Zex).

"HOLY SHIT!" A group of guys jumped back as a flaming branch fell from the tree down onto the lawn with a loud snap, effectively setting the grass on fire too.

"This is all your fault, you… you stupid FOOL!" I yelled at Axel, narrowing my eyes. Axel just laughed, his gaze fixed on the burning tree with a sense of pride. His eyes were mesmerized. Agh!

"Demyx, you should put that fire out. Now, before the school goes up in flames too, and we all get burned alive." Zexion stated calmly from behind me, his nose still in his book. I nodded and looked around desperately for a hose of some sort. There was a tap with a hose attached next to a nearby flowerbed for the gardeners. _Thank God_. I sprinted towards it, yanking at the hose and fighting with the stubborn tap. I let out a frustrated yell, dropped the hose and used both hands to force the tap open.

It instantly loosened, spinning five or six times, causing water to rush out of the hose at such force that it sent the hose dancing like a cobra in the air.

"Shit!" I muttered under my breath, and water poured down onto some poor onlookers and me, drenching me from head to toe. I turned the water down a little and grabbed the hose, taming it and aiming it at the flames.

It took a while, but eventually the fire was put out, leaving black grass and a dark skeleton of a tree. I sighed and turned off the water.

"Hah, good job, Dem! It really wasn't necessary, though." Axel grinned, slapping me on the back.

"AXEL. FUJIWARA. WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!"

Axel stiffened instantly as the school principal came marching up from behind with a furious aura around him. The crowd dispersed immediately.

Axel looked at me pleadingly. Hah, like hell I'd back him up. Everyone knows he burnt down that tree on purpose. I patted him on the shoulder with a sympathetic smile, even though I had to try really hard to keep the laughs in.

"No way man, you're on your own." I shook my head, pressing my lips together to keep myself from cracking up. Zexion came up from behind me, his book tucked under his arm, a smirk on his pale face.

"You're so screwed."

**"I sleep like a baby too— every two hours I wake up screaming."  
_- Colin Powell_**

_People call me twisted._ I'm pretty sure I'm not though, I've just got this 'unhealthy' addiction/obsession with fire, and can you blame me? Fire is just so mesmerizing; it's easily the most beautiful thing in the world. Okay, so I may or may not have set a cat on fire once, and I admit it was a pretty stupid idea (but Demyx saved it), and I guess, while I'm at it, I admit my obsession with fire is a bit of a problem. But hey, that's what my therapist is for, right? Actually, he's not really doing that good a job, because this morning I set a tree on fire, the tree outside the principal's office no less. Now that was a stupid idea.

Speaking of principal's offices; I'm sitting in one right now.

What, did you think I'd be able to burn down a tree in front of his office and not get caught? I'm not that pro, but I wish I were. He should be glad Dem put it out, no idea where he got that hose from though, Marly the gardener, perhaps? Bless Dem's little heart; he'll do anything Zexy tells him to do.

He's so whipped…

It's terrible.

"…Axel, are you listening to me?" Old Ansem frowned at me.

Nope.

"Yup." The principal's frown just deepened.

"Axel, this is your third year in year 10, we would have expelled you last year, so be grateful. But if you continue to fail, I'm afraid I'm going to have to really expel you this time."

"Yup."

"I know you're a smart boy, but you really should start taking your grades seriously, or you _will_ be expelled."

"Yup."

"And please, for the love of god,_ stop burning things down_! It's the first day back! Didn't your mother talk to you at all?!" My '_mum_'? Hah!

"Yup."

"Axel, would you please pay attention to what I'm saying?!"

"I am, I am! Pick up grades, expelled, no burning, got it, got it!" I rolled my eyes a little.

Ansem's eye's softened slightly.

"You were such a good student before—"

"Yup."

"What happened, Axel?"

"Yup."

"…Axel."

"Why don't you ask my therapist, like you always do?" I snapped. Yeah, I'm just a little touchy.

Ansem snorted angrily before kicking me out of his office. Thank God. I hate his lectures, and he almost went all kind-and-caring-mode on me._ Phew._

"Go straight to homeroom!" Ansem said sharply before slamming the door behind me.

Sighing, I walked down the corridor, stopping at my new classroom and opening the door slowly.

"Anyone but Vexen, _Anyone_ but Vexen…" I prayed in my head. Last year I had Vexen as my homeroom teacher. It was hellish. He always acted like he had a ten-foot pole stuck up his ass— I mean nose— and he always blamed everything on me.

He was, however, lots of fun to annoy. I think the reason he does homeroom for year 7's now is because he doesn't want to have to put up with me again. And the year 7's are always total suck ups.

I slid the door open slowly.

"Anyone but Vexen…"

"Axel. About time." I was greeted with a dark frown. A wave of relief washed over me. Leon was a million times better than Vexen, which is kind of saying something, Leon was as interesting as a blank wall, and had the personality of a rock; kind of like Cloud, only Cloud's cool, and Leon's not.

I grinned as Leon gave me my new schedule.

"I was being held hostage by old Ansem again." He just rolled his eyes.

"Welcome back to Hell, Axel. Take a seat wherever." I chuckled and scanned the room, trying to pick out the smartest person to sit next to. Hmm… the blondie sitting next to that loud airhead looks relatively smart, and hey, he's pretty cute too... I took a seat behind him in the fourth and last row.

"Okay, now that everyone's here, I guess you can just sit around and chat until homeroom ends." Leon sighed, putting away the class list. I tilted my seat back until it hit the back wall. My eyes drifted to the ceiling.

"Is your hair natural?"

I flicked my eyes down to the brunette in front of me. He had huge blue eyes and insanely spiky hair, but I guess I'm not the one to talk…

"Yeah."

"Seriously…? My mum paints her fingernails that shade of red!" I laughed.

The brunette turned to the blondie, "Rox, Roxas! God, don't fall asleep at school! Do you think Axel's hair is natural?"

The blondie, Roxas, turned to me sleepily, his eyes half-lidded. My mouth almost dropped open.

Did I say fire was the most beautiful thing in the world earlier? I was wrong.

Eww. That was the sappiest thing I've ever thought… ever. And it'd just his eyes. They were so _blue_.

"Is it real, Rox?"

"Mng… I don't think so." Roxas said, his words slightly slurred from sleep. I smirked suggestively.

"There is one way to be sure…"

**"A friendship that can be ended didn't even start."  
_- Mellin de Saint-Gelais_**

_We weren't always this hostile towards each other. _I know, it is a little hard to believe, but once upon a time, in a land far far away (err, no, actually), Seifer and I were inseparable.

It's true, the guy who punches me, insults me and pretty much makes my life a living hell used to be my best friend. Back then, I used to have a bit of a the-boy-from-next-door-style crush on him, too. Yeah, I'm gay. What of it, Bitch?

But, whatever, that was before, he was a phase. I hate his guts now, which is the reason why I was glaring at him from across the cafeteria.

"_What a bastard_" I thought bitterly.

"Gee, Hay, I think you should stop staring at Seifer," Roxas said from beside me, "You look so _lovesick_, it's disgusting." Pence laughed.

I turned to Roxas and flipped him off, sticking my tongue out at him too just for the record. Bless his sarcastic little heart. I'm going to _rip_ it out of his chest if he even suggests something like that again.

Woah, that was one bloodthirsty thought.

"So, what do you guys think of your new classes?" Olette asked everyone. Everyone being me, Rox, Pence, Namine, Kairi, Sora and Riku.

"I made a new friend!" Sora exclaimed, shoving a small white straw into a juice box. Of course Sora made a new friend, Sora's life ambition was to befriend anyone and everyone. Roxas frowned at his lunch, stabbing a piece of disgustingly green lettuce with a fork almost viciously. Sometimes it's hard to believe they're twins.

"Roxas does not approve." Pence teased, trying to imitate Roxas' voice. Something in Roxas' brain snapped.

"That jerk is a bad example to Sora! He's rude, and so annoying! Not to mention creepy! He won't stop staring at me! God, I hate him so much! He can go die in a hole!" Roxas ranted angrily, shoving the lettuce into his mouth and chewing aggressively. His rant silenced the table.

Pence coughed awkwardly. "Alright then, moving on..."

Pence failed bringing up any form of small talk, and the table fell back into awkward silence unceremoniously, where it stayed for the next ten minutes.

Finding the silence unbearable, I got up, muttering "Soda" under my breath before escaping to the vending machine.

I rummaged through my cargo pants, pulled out 250 munny and slid them slowly into the vending machine one by one. The machine was a little... disabled...

I pressed the button for a Potion, but the vending machine didn't react. I narrowed my eyes at it threateningly before pressing the Potion button again. No reassuring clanking. Argh, God dammit! I pressed the munny return lever down, but still the machine was unresponsive.

"Agh! You stubborn asshole!" I kicked the machine and banged it on the side violently, turning heads. 250 munny down the drain for nothing!

"Pfft. Are you retarded, chicken-wuss? You can't even do something as simple as getting a soda." An all too familiar voice said from behind me.

"Fuck you, Seifer." I shot back. Witty, I know. I turned around, surprised by the absence of his lackeys.

"I don't swing that way, and I didn't know you did." Seifer sneered, an annoyingly hot-- _NOT_ hot-- smirk on his ugly, disgusting, horrible, repulsive, awful, scarred face. I blushed.

"What're you doing here anyway, asshole?!" I yelled.

"I wanted to get a soda. What's got your g-string in a knot?" He held out his hand to reveal 250 munny.

"What's got my WHAT?!" I bursted, fisting my hands. Seifer just smirked, stepping closer to me. Why, I don't know.

"I said," He breathed in a husky voice, "What's got your g-string in a knot, Hay-ner?" I blushed even harder, gulping loudly.

"I...uh..." I fumbled over my words like a loser, "Idontweargstringsyousonnovabitch!" My voice sounded weak and even more loser-ish. Seifer snorted, placing a hand on the side of the vending machine and leaning in closer.

"I'm sorry, lamer, what was that?"

"I said, I don't wear fucking thongs, and that you're the biggest jerk in the whole fucking world." I said loudly and more clearly, I glared the angriest glare I could muster. Seifer laughed before slamming the side of the vending machine twice with a fist. There was the sound of two metallic clanks, and Seifer stepped back and pulled two potions from the bottom of the machine.

"Today is your lucky day, Chicken-wuss. You're welcome." Seifer passed one of the Pots to me before walking away.

"_What was nice of him._" My mind said. That _was_ nice of him. Why? It reminded me of our childhood, back when we climbed trees together and shit. It was the nice things like this that made me love him in the first place (not that I love him anymore, by the fucking way). He might be a total jerk now, but I know that some where deep down in him, he's a nice, loyal friend from years ago as well. Maybe he's bipolar, I don't know. What I do know is that this new jerk-wad of a Seifer does not do things like help me beat a soda out of that traitorous vending machine. I sighed wearily, "_Why must he confuse me like this?_"

"HEY! No spacing out in front of the soda, airhead!" I flipped off the random and cracked the Potion open before walking back to my friends.

"Hayner! What took you so long?" Olette called as I walked to the table. Thank God it wasn't awkward anymore.

"Machine was being a jerk." I replied bluntly, taking my seat next to Roxas again.

"And that's why you're so red?" Kairi asked skeptically.

Yes, I unleashed a lot of anger onto that son of a bitch.

"And Seifer was being an asshole." I admitted.

"Ahh, so that's why you're blushing like a virgin." Riku teased. Everyone laughed. I glared at Riku, blushing harder. I never liked him. I think I liked it better when it was awkward. Sighing I rested my head on the table, letting its cool surface turn my cheek cold.

"Young love!" Pence the Lamer added, laughing harder. I shut my eyes, feeling exhausted. I seriously couldn't take this shit anymore. Somebody up there hates me, I mean it.

And that somebody is one sadistic fucker.

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_(1) This line is based off a line in Darkly Dreaming Dexter, by Jeff Lindsay. As in the 'Now made into the hit TV series DEXTER' Dexter. Definitely recommendable._

**Words: 3757  
Finished: 16th Dec 2008  
Beta'd by: Wrath's Essence 3 **

**Author's Ending Notes: Past Tenses, Present Tenses and I don't mix well, sorry, I tend to mix both of them up into what I like to call "Pasent Tense". Also, I have a problem with large paragraphs (they just piss me off when I have to read long paragraphs, I'm a lazy person), which is why most of the paragraphs are like, one to three sentences long.**

**Thank You for Reading, Have a Nice Day!**


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